Monday, 24 February 2014

Daydreaming and Planning

Today has seen a few tears as I find myself struggling with the injury and DH being away. 
It has also seen me watch once again, the fantastic movie "The Color Purple".  More tears again.  What a wonderful 3 hours!

I'm finding myself surprised by the quietness of my eating disorder.  It is almost not there.  What about the last two days has changed?  Is it because I have been writing about it again and looking for the positive in my days?  Could things have shifted that quickly?

Perhaps dealing with the injury is taking all my attention?  I find that strange though when it has left me being quite immobilized and watching TV which is usually an instigator for eating badly.  But something is different.  I just can't pinpoint what that is.

I'm still planning a new way of daily living for myself - what is important for me to do and have in my life and how I can achieve that.  Overall, the tone of what I want my life to be is that of simplicity and peacefulness.  Contentedness in my soul.  Centered in my spirit.  A calmness and a existence of being completely in the moment - whether that be teaching my students, stretching my brain with bookwork, scrubbing at the bathroom, working up an exercise sweat, daydreaming, meditating, a casual walk along the beach, or drinking a glass of wine in the garden.

So, I guess that covers a small list of what I want in my life!  There are so many other things I am dreaming about as I lay here gazing out the back door at our garden.
  • Learning more about photography
  • Expanding our vegie garden.
  • Spending more quality time with DH.
  • Starting a wine cellar
  • Building a second story on our home to capture the magical view to the beach.  As well as giving us a bigger bedroom and a brilliant walk in robe!  Oh, and a bigger laundry downside!  Yes, I have been daydreaming a lot about house renovations lately!
  • Finding joy in the beauty and preparation of healthy food.
I'm finding that peacefulness and contentedness is something that you have to grab on to and allow to grow, otherwise it will just drift away in the negative thoughts that unfortunately seem to come much more easily.
Writing this has allowed that peacefulness to resurface.  Now I am going to gaze out the window some more and allow it to grow and develop and fill my soul.

Love and light

Sunday, 23 February 2014

A fractured foot

Well, it is confirmed.   My foot is fractured and I am in plaster for a week.  Talk about being given some time!

Hubbie is away so it is proving to be very challenging.  Thank goodness for parents!  He hopes to be back on Wednesday but I don't expect he will be able to come home until Friday.  You never know though!

Next week I go to a specialist for another xray to see how it is healing.  With any luck I will be out of the plaster and into a boot.  Fingers crossed! 

In the meantime, it is movie watching time!  Today was "The Time Travellers Wife"  I Love that movie.  I read the book before the movie was released and loved that too.  I haven't watched in since then so it was a good mornings entertainment.  And yes, I still cried at the end!

My positivity is remaining.  I am seeing the opportunity and the joy in having some time off.  The biggest positive I can find is that I can't drive down to the shops if I begin craving something!  It is my driving foot that is fractured.  So, I have an opportunity to see how my eating disorder responds to being fed healthy food instead of the junk that it craves and demands.   I will continue to document it in my journal and I look forward to seeing what happens.  There is much potential there!

Love and Light

Saturday, 22 February 2014

Taking time

Two days ago I had a fall - over the kerb - in the shopping centre car park.  It seemed harmless enough.  Bit of a sore leg and scraped up hand, but no harm done.

By the time I got home, my hand was screaming at me.  Not long later, I couldn't walk on my foot.  The next day the muscle in my leg that I landed on is also in a lot of pain. 

Because of the weekend I am yet to go to the doctor, but it seems I may have either badly bruised the bone in my foot or, hopefully an unlikely scenario, it may be fractured.  Either way, I am incapacitated.  I can hardly walk on either leg, I can't drive, if I don't keep them elevated, the pain increases.

My first thought - "Typical.  Just when I am starting to feel motivated again, just when things are beginning to move, along comes something to keep me down.  Why does this always happen?  And of course, it happens when hubbie isn't around to help.  I can't walk and there is no one to help me.  I'm lonely"  etc. etc.  You get the idea!

This afternoon however, after being fogged in by the devil of my dysfunctional behaviour, I found the fog lifting and I began to see this time as an opportunity for a new vision of my life.  I've been given extended moments of rest to plan and capture how I want to be living my life, the things I want in it, what I want do and what I don't want to do.

And to help me remain positive about this, I was reminded of the last time I did this - after we lost our baby.  Hubbie and I sat down and talked about what we needed to do, what I needed to do.  Time was the first thing and I took time of work.  But then I needed to assess my life and career and work out what I wanted.  Everything had changed.  I had changed.  My old life no longer had any meaning.

I knew I didn't want to teach anymore, but there was one school I couldn't give up.  I knew I loved office work and organising and wondered if I could changed directions into this avenue.  It made sense to try and get work in the field I have worked in all my life, so I put some feelers out in the music office at that school. 

By the last term of the year, I was volunteering and being taught the ropes.  The first step.  Now I am working there one morning a fortnight assisting.  Second step and a big one!  I'm on the books!  The office assistants goal for me is to work there a full day every week and we will gradually get there as the powers that be warm up to the idea.  I did it!  Officework that I love, in a field that I have been in all my life, at a school that I liked too much to leave.

Not only did this plan fall into place, but my plans to do more office work instead of teaching also fell into place in another area.  I have worked for my brother doing his bookwork for the last 15 years.  This year, he asked to come in as office assistant as well and get his paperwork in order.  He hasn't had an assistant in all that time and it's been a HUGE project getting things running smoothly.

It's amazing how all this has happened.  I took some time, stepped back from what I was doing, planned what I wanted to do and, with a bit of initiative and some amazing timing, I am really happy with how things have turned out.

So, I need to see this moment now, in the same way.  It is time to plan.  To let go of some things and to envision new things.  To put in some initiative and then watch things fall into place.  Last year showed me that change is possible.  There is no reason it can't happen again!

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Changing my thinking

The last week has been emotionally challenging.  I'm not sure if it is because hubbie is away for work again, that I'm not feeling physically well, or the work I am doing with my therapist is taking it's toll.  I would say probably all of the above - but which is the main one??!!

Regardless, this blog is about finding the positive and peaceful within whatever is going on in my life.  So here goes...

The first thing I noticed was the beautiful, peaceful sound of the loud purring coming from the cat bed on my right.  My little angel curled up fast asleep but still with her gorgeous purr on full volume!  There is just something about the sound of a purring cat - heavenly.

Hubbie is coming home for one night tonight - I am looking forward to that very much!

With all the trials and tribulations of our fertility journey, my original reason for going to a new therapist was obviously put aside.  Now that I have dealt with (for the most part!) the grief over losing our babies and our dreams of parenthood, the time has come to return to the hard work of healing my eating disorder.

This is a big reason for not feeling great the last week.  My therapist has set me the challenge of really looking into what is going on for me when the ED arises.  How am I feeling?  What are the thoughts in my head?  What is the tone of my thinking?  What is the situation?  The week has been difficult and has left me with the feelings of never ever seeing the end to this issue in my life.

Yet, I refuse to give in to those thoughts.  My hopeful thinking here is that, after a lifetime of issues in this area, I am finally in a position of being able to heal.  This is my time.  This time, for so many reasons, the work will work! 

I am a different person now than where I was a few years ago.  Infertility and loss will do that to you.  But I have to say, I believe I am a better person.  The wisdom of experience is a centering one, especially wisdom that comes from such profound loss and the resulting journey that one must take to heal and move beyond the old dreams and into a new life.  When I think about the journey and that changes that have occurred, I find a peacefulness residing within me.  So, I am choosing to believe that this work I am doing will finally be fruitful.

My therapist is amazing and has a completely different approach from any other that I've seen.  And in conjunction with the work of my kinesioligist, I have everything in my favour!

So, today I choose to look at the difficulties I feel right now as steps toward a better future and a better life.  I choose to believe that I will be able to release these old ingrained habits as I also release the reasons they developed in the first place.

There is an end in sight.  It is positive.  And it's peaceful. 

Tuesday, 18 February 2014


Welcome to my new blog!

I am so excited to be starting this new adventure in my life.  So much has happened in my world over the last few years.  All of it completely life changing.  I'm in a new place of discovery and healing and I realised that I needed a new blog to help bring my goals and dreams into fruition.

I had a blog a few years ago that was designed to stop negative thoughts by finding the good in everything.  No matter how I was feeling, when I blogged about it, the goal was to always try to write about it in a positive way.  It worked brilliantly!!!  My thinking changed so much for the better!  As I continue to move forward in my healing journey, it's time to go back to that technique again.

I'm ready to find positivity and hope and peacefulness not just in what I do, but in who I AM.  I'm ready to be happy to the core of my soul and to find joy in the day to day living!

That's what this blog is about. It's a place to find, and to celebrate, all those things.  To look for them in times of happiness as well as times of difficulty.  It's a place to come to where I can talk about the good times and the struggles, whilst bringing a positive and peaceful outlook onto everything.

I'm looking forward to this new phase.  It's such a step forward from where I have been the last few years, in particular the last two years.  Life has changed SO much.  I found the love of my life, I got married, I let go of things that were no longer working for me - including my career, I went through one of the most challenging things that any person can go through, I've changed the way I live and the things that I am passionate about and I'm helping my family in a new way that has so much meaning for me and for them.  Life is full and rich with so many blessings. 

As there is with all of us (!), there are still areas of my life that need healing and in the last month I have become active in working my way through them.  I don't know how successful I have been so far, but that is why I've started this blog.  This is going to help, just as it did before with my blog from a few years ago.  And just as it did with the writing of my last blog, Beyond The Dream Of Motherhood, in particular because of the incredible support and understanding and words of wisdom I received from the most amazing group of women I have ever met here in this blogging world.  It was truly staggering the depth of connection and support that I felt.

So, here's to the new journey.  May it bring positively and peacefulness to a chaotic world - not just for me, but for anyone that happens to stumble across the crazy rantings of this one little blogger!

Love and Light to all.